6 Common Mistakes That Complicate High-Conflict Divorces
Divorce is rarely easy, but high-conflict cases present a unique set of challenges that can leave you feeling exhausted and unsure of where to turn. If you are reading this, you might be in the thick of a separation where every conversation turns into an argument, and every decision feels like a battle. I want you to know that you don't have to face this alone.
In high-conflict situations, hiring a lawyer is not just about filing paperwork. It is about having a buffer between you and the conflict. It is about having a strategic partner who can see the big picture when emotions are running high. Without legal guidance, it is all too easy to make errors that can hurt your case, prolong the process, and cost you more in the long run.
At the Law Office of Shelly Jean John, I have spent decades helping people find a path forward when the road seems blocked. Since 2000, I have dedicated my practice to offering personalized legal support that prioritizes your peace of mind. I strive to provide California clients throughout Ontario, Riverside, San Bernardino County, and Riverside County with compassionate, strategic representation that protects their interests while minimizing stress.
Let's take a look at six common mistakes I see clients make, so you can avoid them and focus on building a better future.
1. Using the Children as Messengers or Pawns
The most damaging mistake in any divorce involves the children. In high-conflict situations, one parent might feel tempted to use the kids to relay messages, check up on the other parent, or even vent their frustrations. While it is natural to want to share your side of the story, doing so with your children causes immense emotional harm.
California courts prioritize the "best interest of the child" above almost everything else. Judges look very poorly on parents who disparage the other party in front of the children or attempt to alienate the child from the other parent. Even if you are angry, you must keep your children out of the line of fire.
Do not ask them to spy. Do not ask them to choose sides. Treating your children as neutral parties protects their mental health and demonstrates to the court that you are a responsible, caring parent who puts your children’s needs first.
2. Venting on Social Media
We live in a digital age where sharing our lives online is second nature. However, during a high-conflict divorce, your social media accounts can become a goldmine of evidence for your spouse’s legal team. A seemingly innocent post complaining about your ex, a photo of a new luxury purchase, or pictures of you partying can all be used against you in court.
I always advise my clients to take a break from social media, or at the very least to lock down their privacy settings and think twice before posting. Anything you write can be printed out and presented to a judge as evidence of your character, your spending habits, or your ability to co-parent. The temporary relief of venting online is never worth the long-term damage it can do to your case. Silence is often your best strategy online.
3. Violating Court Orders
When tensions run high, it can be tempting to ignore a court order that you feel is unfair. You might think about withholding visitation because your ex is late on support payments, or you might consider moving assets because you earned them. This is a major mistake.
Court orders are not suggestions; they are mandates. If a judge has issued a temporary order regarding custody, support, or property, you must follow it to the letter until it is modified. Disobeying a judge can result in contempt of court charges, fines, and even jail time. More importantly, it destroys your credibility.
If a judge sees that you cannot follow rules, they are less likely to rule in your favor on disputed issues later. If you believe an order is unfair or unsafe, we must address it through the proper legal channels, not by taking matters into your own hands.
4. Letting Emotions Drive Decision Making
High-conflict divorces are fueled by emotion—anger, betrayal, sadness, and fear. While these feelings are valid, they make for a terrible legal strategy. When you make decisions based on wanting to punish your ex or "win" every small argument, you often lose sight of the bigger picture.
For example, fighting over a piece of furniture worth $500 might cost you $2,000 in legal fees. Extending a battle over a minor visitation schedule change might drain your bank account and emotional reserves without changing the outcome.
My role is to help you separate the emotional turmoil from the legal reality. We need to perform a cost-benefit analysis on every battle we choose to fight. By focusing on the facts and your long-term goals rather than short-term retaliation, we can reach a resolution faster and with fewer scars.
5. Hiding Assets or Financial Misconduct
Trust is usually gone in a high-conflict divorce, leading some individuals to hide money, undervalue assets, or run up debt on joint credit cards. California is a community property state, meaning both spouses have a duty to be transparent and honest about their finances during the divorce process.
Attempting to hide assets is rarely successful. Forensic accountants and legal discovery tools are very effective at tracing funds. If the court finds that you have hidden assets or breached your fiduciary duty to your spouse, the penalties are severe.
The judge can award the entire hidden asset to your spouse as a penalty or order you to pay their legal fees. Full financial disclosure is the only safe path. It protects you from sanctions and ensures the final settlement is enforceable.
6. Communicating Aggressively in Writing
In a high-conflict divorce, you should assume that every text message and email you send to your spouse will eventually be read by a judge. Sending a string of angry, abusive, or threatening text messages provides the other side with tangible proof of your hostility.
I encourage clients to treat communication with their ex like a business transaction. Keep it brief, informative, and polite. Stick to the logistics of parenting or necessary financial matters.
If a conversation heats up, disengage. Do not take the bait. By maintaining a calm and professional tone in your written communication, you deprive the other side of ammunition and present yourself to the court as the reasonable, cooperative party.
Understanding California Law in High-Conflict Cases
California law includes specific provisions that address the difficulties of high-conflict cases. One important statute to be aware of is Family Code Section 271. This law allows the court to order one party to pay the other party's attorney fees if their conduct frustrates the policy of the law to promote settlement and reduce the cost of litigation.
Essentially, if your spouse is dragging out the case, refusing to cooperate, or driving up costs, we can ask the court to sanction them. This serves as a financial deterrent against bad behavior.
Additionally, California distinguishes between legal custody (decision-making) and physical custody. In high-conflict cases, if parents cannot communicate effectively, the court may be hesitant to award joint legal custody, as it requires cooperative decision-making.
The court’s primary standard is always the health, safety, and welfare of the child. Understanding these laws helps us build a strategy that aligns with how judges make decisions, rather than fighting against the current.
Family Law Attorney in Ontario and Riverside, California
I’m passionate about helping individuals and families find peace and empowerment during challenging times. Since starting my firm in 2000, I’ve focused on delivering tailored family law solutions, knowing every case is unique.
Whether it’s a custody dispute, collaborative divorce, or post-judgment changes, my goal is to help you achieve results that work for your life. Let’s build lasting solutions so you can move forward with confidence. Contact me at the Law Office of Shelly Jean John today.